Oh no, the year is over!

Getting more rest was my New Year's Resolution for 2010 and today the year is over! Now I'm afraid that I'll suddenly become a neurotic work-a-holic with dark bags under my eyes...I pressed on to keep my resolution for an entire year and now its back to the old habits!

Just kidding.

Learning to live restfully is more of a "New Decade Resolution" than a New Year's Resolution. Maybe in 10 years I'll be ready to move forward, but not quite yet. Its like learning a foreign language...the first 12 years are the hardest!

One take away I've seen is that in order to rest more I have to make sacrifices. At the beginning of this year I was trying to cram too much in; I had to learn to say "no" to many things. This has been one of the most difficult things to deal with!

Second, I see that without God it would be impossible for me to truly find rest. There are so many things outside of my control that at any moment could come crashing in! Knowing God loves me and, even in the worst of these things, will never leave me creates in me a deep peace. The Psalms call it resting under the shadow of his wing...like a baby bird with its mother.

Finally, I've become convinced that getting adequate rest does not come naturally to me. I fight it like a little child before bedtime! I want to work...I hate being bored...there is so much to do that is good, fun, and necessary! I've seen that for my work to be effective, and for any good, fun or necessary things to take place with joyfulness of spirit, I must be well rested.

I'm not sure what 2011's resolutions will be...I have some ideas about ethics, budgeting, giving and music, but nothing has formed in my mind as worthy and/or doable for the year yet. I'll keep you posted!

Stories & Boredom...

One of my favorite songs growing up was "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. It starts like this:

"On warm summer's evening on a train bound for nowhere I met up with the Gambler...we were both too tired to speak. So we took turns at staring out the window at the darkness until the boredom overtook us and we began to speak."

I love that line...the entire thing grabs me and makes me want to hear the rest of the story! This leads me to my next thoughts on "rest."

First, stories are a great way to "escape" for a while. I just finished the last Harry Potter book...it was a 6 month, 3000 page visit into the world of muggles, horcrux's, flying cars and friendships. The books, while I read them, ruined my sleep patterns for weeks on end; but the story was gripping and I found myself feeling well rested for reading them.

Similarly, what is it we do before bedtime with children all around the world? We read them a story! And, if you think about it, they go to bed and have dreams that are...stories (of a sort). I'm going to embrace stories as a means to rest better.

Second, boredom is something that can completely "overtake" us. Boredom is painful for those not used to it...after basic training I had nightmares about standing in line for hours on end that were so severe I would wake up shaking in the middle of the night! I think that the fear of boredom keeps me from settling down into a lifestyle of rest. To avoid being bored I create unnecessary stress that complicates my life and exasperates my relationships.

Being bored is not a bad thing. I'm certain that Magellan and his crew were bored at some point while circling the globe in a sailboat; Isaac Newton was very likely bored for hours on end while putting together his theory of the Laws of Motion...he was sitting under an apple tree doing what? Resting.

I hope this blog entry has not bored you. I tried to make it interesting by adding a story or two! May you have a boring, story-filled day!

Jacuzzi and a fire...

I have never posted twice in one day, but today is a special occasion. I experienced two awesomely restful things: a Jacuzzi and a fire in the fireplace. No, not at the same time unfortunately.

After my workout at the gym I spent 15 minutes soaking in the hot-tub alone...my mind wandered to blissful places as the muscles in my back, shoulders, and neck were pummeled by jets of steamy water.

The gas-logs were lit today for the first time this winter. Gas logs require so little effort, and the fire is always perfect and warm. Thank God for gas logs!

I'm going to pass-out in front of the fire...its wonderful!

Crash and Burn

What happens when an airplane runs out of fuel in mid-air?

Crash and Burn.

What happens when a hot-air balloon runs out of hot air while floating above a city?

Crash and Burn.

What happens when a 37 year old father of 4 pushes it to the limits right before the holidays?

Crash and Burn.

And that is exactly what happened to me this past Friday on Christmas Eve.

We were in Cincinnati after a whirlwind month of parties, family gatherings, shopping, gift-wrapping, traveling, and sight-seeing. Additionally, work in a school is especially intense just before the holidays-just ask anyone who has ever worked with sugar-filled, Santa craving kids in December! On the way to the mall to get photos of the kids with their cousins I leaned over to Sarah, who was driving, and told her to pull over right away...

The kids got a kick out of watching me claim the corner of the road near the CVS with what used to be the contents of my stomach. But for me I was getting kicked in a slightly different way. I was wiped-out!

Two Christmases ago I crashed and burned on Christmas Day. We were home in Charlottesville and I spent all day in bed with a massive headache and fever.

I remember that the Christmas of 2005 was pretty rough. That was the Christmas during grad school when I was taking a full-load of classes, involved with an urban ministry, working 5 jobs, and trying to help Sarah with the soon to be 3 children (she was 7 months pregnant with Oak).

In my mind I have a Norman Rockwell like picture of what the Christmas/New Year's Holiday should be like, but I have not seen that picture come to life in reality yet. My 21st century picture is less austere...its more intense and energized (which I think is how I like it)! I just need to remember that sleep is important and there is an end to how much intensity my body can handle.

So...my last entry was on ethics and how living according to ones ethics leads to peaceful rest. Well, there is a big "BUT" needed to go along with that. That is, "But everyone fails at living up to their ethics."

Therefore, all of us have been offended/hurt by somebody who has not lived up to their part of the bargain. Everyday at work I hear this excuse: "So and So teased me, so I teased them back." or "So and So hit me, so I hit them back...I have to 'defend' myself." The way I see it, there are no humans who live up to their ethical code 100% of the time.

This becomes complicated, because how offended we are by somebody treating us badly is directly proportional to how "good" of a person we think they are. For instance, when a "shitbag" treats us poorly, we are not offended because that person always treats everyone poorly; when a "righteous" person messes up we are deeply offended because we expect them to do a better job of treating us right. We are surprised when "good" people behave badly. A Pastor sinning is more offensive than a ne0-nazi sinning.

Now, what do we do when the scoundrel, the person who "should know better than that," also goes by the same name as I do and looks just like me; what do I do when I am the dick?

This comes down to two ethical stands that don't usually make the top 10:

• Humility
• Forgiveness

All of us who have messed up feel bad about it...there is the humility.
All of us who have messed up need forgiven...there is the forgiveness.

Holding a grudge creates what eventually becomes the opposite of rest. If I have a grudge I cannot rest well, and the deeper the grudge the less rest I get!

So we need to find humility, recognizing that the person who offended us is in need of the same forgiveness that we need from somebody else we have offended. Its like the opposite of paying it forward (the idea that we return good deeds to somebody other than the person that did the deed for us)...we forgive the person who has offended us because we need forgiven by the person we have offended.

The ethics of rest...

A close friend once reminded me that the best pillow is a clear conscience. If our lives are tree houses, we should build them in the center of the of the strongest tree of ethics we can find. No matter what ones occupation is, which country they come from, or how dysfunctional their family is, living in line with ones ethics allows for better rest. No matter how big ones mansion or yaught is, a life of unethical living will result in poor rest, not to mention poor relationships with those around you.

Here is a list of what are commonly considered the core ethics of life (in no particular order):

• Honesty
• Courage
• Gratitude
• Kindness
• Meekness
• Prudence
• Diligence
• Industry
• Cleverness
• Utility
• Balance

Furthermore, almost every profession has a list of ethical standards by which it governs itself against the influx of poor character. Doctors, Real Estate Agents...even Lawyers have ethical standards they try to live by. While living according to a set code of ethics presents challenges, these challenges are no greater than the challenges created by living a hedonistic life void of any moral restraints.

Deep breath...

"Take a deep breath and let it out."

"Do it again, only deeper."

"This time really fill your lungs and release the air slowly and easily."

This is the conversation, very one-sided, I had with my trumpet teacher during my junior year at JMU in the midst of the only anxiety attack I've ever had. Even though I don't remember the details of the circumstances that caused me to feel the need to hide under the couch at that particular moment, I do remember vividly the manner in which he walked me out of it.

I knocked on his door, lost in anxious thoughts. I explained to him how I felt.

Mr. Kluesner told me to get out my breathing tube while he turned on his metronome.

I took some breaths through the tube first, then through my trumpet. I buzzed on my mouthpiece a simple pattern, then added the entire horn. It was a nice, full, easy and rich long tone exercise I had played thousands of times.

The anxious feelings had passed. They were replaced with calm.

Essence...

Yesterday I found out some very troubling news...I found out that at lest 3 people, and maybe as many as 6, read what I write here! This is troubling because it leads to all kinds of temptations and questions:

• What will they think if I don't write something each day? Do I need to keep a regular writing schedule?
  
• What is it they would want to read? Should I adjust my topics or style to meet their reading desires?
  
• What if they really like what they read? Should I get an agent and publish this as a book that becomes a movie? What will it be like to be rich and famous?

All of this vanity strikes at the very root of the essence of why I ever thought I might need to get more rest. I found that my life was too full, that I needed to make some fundamental changes to simplify my lifestyle, and that I needed to limit the pressure of external sources. Worrying too much about an audience goes against this goal.

The point of keeping this "blog" is just to provide a short on-line journal to track a New Year's Resolution to get more rest. The potential of other people reading what I write here goes along with why I put these thoughts online rather than in a private notebook. Just like preparing for a trumpet recital in college, the excitement and fear an audience brings has the ability to hone my skills and polarize my thinking. In the same way, an audience can become destructive...it can explode my head with ego or send me crashing off of the front of the stage in shame (nothing kills an ego like embarrassing oneself in public).

Even worse than pride or public humiliation, the red carpets and flashbulbs can rob one of the essence of who they are and what makes them "tick." In short, the answers to the questions I labeled above should not shift too much with 6 readers or 6000...the essence of these thoughts, and my desire to share them, is close to the same now as it was with nobody reading it. If having 10 readers (oh, just imagine!) changes my essence then those readers will lose interest because they are reading this because of the original inspiration they found in the essence of the blog itself. So pride has the ability to destroy what caused it to be sparked in the first place!

Miles Davis use to offend people who paid to hear him because he did not worry about his audience at all, only his art. Wynton Marsailis said once that if you play for applause that's all you'll get. Leonard Berstein is known to have said that if "you are only a musician you are only half a musician." These great and successful performing artist knew their essence and put it out there in front of other people.

Teamwork...

Rush Limbaugh's list of 35 undeniable truths begins with this: "There is a distinct singular American culture - rugged individualism and self-reliance - which made America great." Rugged individualism works some of the time...we all have to own our work and live strongly what we are called to, but the old saying, "Many hands make light work." holds true as well. In order for me to live a more restful life, which is not a the same as a lazy life, I must be part of a team of people, both at home and at work, who share the load. Isolation is a ticket for exhaustion and depression! I saw the value of like-minded, thoughtful help very clearly over this past Thanksgiving weekend.

On our lot there are about 10 huge oak trees loaded with beautiful leaves. In the fall all of these leaves come tumbling down and our house is covered with leave a foot deep that need raked, bagged, and carried to the curb. In the back yard it is more difficult because the bags need carried over the top of a pretty steep hill. This year we had quite a bit of help! Sarah's dad was helped us in the morning and our friends the Crichlow's came over later in the day to finish the job. With all of us working we were able to clear the entire back yard of leaves in just over 8 hours...a 3 day job for me reduced to 1 because of the help of friends!

In addition to our own children, we hosted 7 friends/family members, 3 of whom stayed overnight. Other families host more, for sure, but to us this was a real test of our teamwork...in the last week we cooked a ton, did a bunch of dishes, cleaned/re-cleaned the kitchen/bathroom multiple times, set/cleared the kitchen table over and over again, did a little bit of shopping, and put up the Christmas decorations. We were even able to get to the gym and go on a date because other people chipped in to help! Sarah and I worked together to share the load and, at the end of the holiday weekend, we are tired but content...at least I am!

The church we are members of has a more formal manner of worship than our kids generally can manage themselves through. The 90 minute service includes all family members over the age of 5 and, after a couple years of really struggling, we decided about 5 months ago to take a a break from attending worship there. This past Saturday night a family we hosted for Thanksgiving called us and invited us to sit with them at church druing the service, offering to help manage the kids so that we could worship as a family in our home-church. At first my thoughts of public humiliation caused me to gulp pretty hard, but we decided to take them up on it and made out way out the door for worship the next morning. The children did well at first, but after about 15 minutes Annabel was getting antsy. Just as she was beginning to unwind and become disruptive another family swooped in a bit late with their 7 year old daughter in tow. They offered to have Annabel sit with them, giving her the extra steam she needed to push on through the entire service. It was the best behaved my children have been at church ever, and it has to do with the help we recieved from others.

Thankfulness...

One of the things I love about Thanksgiving is that we all take a time-out from the craziness of life to take stock of the true blessings in life. There is always something to be thankful for! Thankfulness is a virtue that transcends cultures, religions, demographics and geography.

Imagine the following dialogue:

Friend - "So Doug, what are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?"
Me - "Actually, I don't believe in Thanksgiving. Where I come from we aren't thankful.

or...

Friend - "So Doug, do you do anything special for Thanksgiving?"
Me - "My religion doesn't allow me to take time-out to count my blessings."

or...

Friend - "So Doug, do you have big plans for the Thanksgiving weekend?"
Me - "No. In this economy there is nothing to be thankful for so I'm skipping Thanksgiving this year."

Almost everyone I know is in the following situation:

1. There are 3 things they don't have that they really, really want.
2. There are 3 things they do have that they really, really don't want.

At some points there may be 4 things I want and only 2 things I don't want; at other times there may only be 2 things I want and 6 things I don't want. The numbers fluctuate, but there are always a few things that could make my life better.

Before I continue too far, I should remind myself that not all of my desires are bad. For instance, my desire to have Thanksgiving with my mother is not wrong. It is not wrong for me to want my the War on Terror to end peacefully. There are a number of instances in which my life would truly be enriched by the addition or subtraction of specific items. The ethics of desire are very interesting!

Of course, many (many, many, many) of the items on my wish (or "wish not") list are vain phantoms making empty promises to my heart. Pursuing them is like pursuing a mirage. Sometimes it can be worse...sometimes getting the desires of my heart is like getting to the mirage and finding that what you were looking at on the horizon was not water but a large pool of poisonous snakes! Sometimes what we want (or don't want) is the opposite of what actually will bring us joy, peace, and contentment.

In first establishing Thanksgiving as a holiday in the United States, George Washington says (in part):

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be...

At the end of 1863, the year of Antietam, Gettysburg and Vicksburg, Abraham Lincoln wrote:

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.

Thankfulness is not seasonal or circumstantial. I think it is good to pause and take stock of our blessings and give thanks.

Naptime...

Yesterday I was able to grab a 30 minute nap after work and before my evening began. When I woke up I was very, very groggy for about 5 minutes, but after that I felt totally refreshed! My patience with the kids and evening chores, along with my attitude about working late at school, were totally better than normal.

Getting a nap in my family is a team effort. To make it happen I needed help from Sarah (who kept the kids out of the house at the park), my boss (who let me leave a bit early), our neighbor (who helped with the boys while Sarah was indisposed), and my children (who came in bouncing on the bed to wake me up). Solar eclipses are more likely to take place than me getting a nap on a weekday in the afternoon when I'm not sick! But I am going to try to make arrangements so that this can occur for both Sarah and I more often.

Harry Truman took a 30 minute nap everyday. If the President who served at the end of WW2 and the beginning of the Cold War found time for a nap I may be able to as well!

Fear, or even worse...reality.

Fear is an enemy of rest. When we are afraid we cannot shut-down our hearts and minds; we can't tune-out the source of our fear. In fact, I find that when something terrible is on my mind I can shut-it-out right up to the point of almost falling asleep, and then the thoughts spring back upon me and cause my heart to race again! Like a flash the frontal lobe of my brain is fully engaged and I continue to toss and turn.

Children face these fears before bed; the monster in the closet and the robber on the roof are real to them...they know the thunder and lightening are out to get them. No matter how much we as parents try to comfort them, the best antidote is to bring them to our room and cuddle.

As adults our fears are more complicated and less imaginary. I fear losing my job and house...I know the children are going to get a rare and incurable illness. No matter how well I shield myself from these fears the only real comfort comes from prayer and the assurance of God that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Do I really find comfort there? Sometimes I do. More often than that, however, I find comfort in my own abilities and talents. I work harder, think harder, and become more controlling of my life circumstances. I don't let go of the fight because if I do my worst fears may come true.

Trying to avoid the terrible circumstances of life is an exercise in futility. Everyone must face and endure swirling circumstances they did not choose and cannot escape. Reality is darker and more difficult than our imaginary fears; life doesn't always come with seat-belts and a role bar. And when I am being thrown from the Cadillac of life-dreams onto the hard-ball pavement of reality the best cushion is to stay limber...relax, because being tense will only make it hurt worse.

A ton of my energy is spent on tragedy avoidance. I spend a lot of my time putting on "seat-belts" to protect myself from pain. Reality, and the Bible, both show me that this is in large part futile because pain is coming my way whether I am ready or not. The best safety I can find is in the character of a child who knows to run to his parents and cuddle; the best antidote to pain is to take my parents into the closet of my fears with a flashlight.

A child in my school had open-heart surgery last summer just after she turned 9 years old. The parents are from another country, work 4 jobs between them, live in a drafty trailer, have no money and are completely uninsured. Fortunately, the surgery went well! But three days later this little girl had a stroke that cost her the use of much of the left-side of her body. Its been 5 months and we have been walking through the tragic overflow of these circumstances with the family since the very beginning. During one visit to the home my boss asked the mother how she was holding up and through the interpreter the mother said, "Where we come from life is very difficult. We expect life to be challenging." Her daughter's pain, and the subsequent pain involved with the life of the family, did not derail her because she has a world-view that accepts pain as a true reality.

Sabbath Rest...

The original Sabbath was Saturday. There are still a ton of people who celebrate on Saturday, but most of the folks I know think of Sunday as the Sabbath. I think it has to do with Adam and Eve's first living day being the day of God's rest after creation...their first day was full of enjoying all God had done the previous 6 days. True to form, God wants us to begin with rest and worship rather than end with it. Not only is the Sabbath supposed to occupy 1/7th of our life, it is supposed to occupy the first 1/7th of our life.

There are those two words! There is the phrase that makes every agnostic nerve boil. There are the words that jump out and grab my "rest", dragging it to the ground and kicking it until its loins are black and blue and every rib broken. There are the words that bring the car of "rest" crashing against a tree...that catapult "true rest" off the road of peace over the cliff of duty crashing it on the rocks of joyless obligation. The phrase slipped in there almost unconsciously but unavoidably...the phrase, if you missed it, is "supposed to."

Anything like "supposed to," "ought to," or "should" conjures feelings in me of obligation, indebtedness, work, accountability, and requirement. My breaks in life are "supposed to" be breaks from all of the "supposed tos" in life! Additionally, religions are full of "supposed tos" that lay guilt on my conscious and create neurotic fears.

I just re-watched "Chariots of Fire" which, amongst other things, highlights Eric Liddel's plight when he learned that the first heat of his 100 yard dash in the 1924 Olympics fell on a Sunday. His conviction about the Sabbath wouldn't allow him to run on Sunday so he withdrew from the race and ran the 400 yard dash a few days later. The story is gripping and Eric heroically triumphs in the face of opposition. Stonewall Jackson was a Sabbath keeper, too. When the battles fell on Sunday he would give the brigade the next day off to rest. He was arguably the most dynamic leader of the Civil War.

Today is Sunday and, in my culture, a day of rest. Even in Army basic training, where every day was exactly the same horrible experience, Sunday's seemed different. Sunday's were more peaceful...or is hopeful the right word for it?

I'm not a strict Sabbath keeper, but I do see that God's obligation to observe a Sabbath is wise and purposeful. Its similar to requiring Abigail to take a nap even though she doesn't want to...she needs it but as a two year old she doesn't want to miss out on all the other fun going on. If she doesn't get a nap, however, life is pretty miserable for her (and everyone else around her). She won't make the choice to rest when she needs it so I make the choice for her because that is what is best in the big picture.

Keeping a Sabbath is a deliberate choice. I have to choose to rest rather than rush; choose to turn-off the water flow of life rather than leaving it on. It is also a matter of trust...trust in God that life will not fall apart when I spend a day resting.

I should finish by saying that the Sabbath is intended not just to rest, but to rest with God. I've heard it said that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied with Him alone. Adam and Eve were not just in the Garden of Eden resting, they were in the Garden of Eden resting with God...he was present with them in the Garden. A Sabbath without worship is like a garden without plants. God's intent in the Sabbath, I believe, is to reconnect us to Him, His Church, and our truest passion. A Sabbath should leave us energized and focused, with a clearer mind and purpose so that we are ready to embrace the bedlam of the other 6 days of the week.

When Abigail is resistant to rest I find myself trying to Lull her to sleep in my arms. Today I'm going to let God Lull me to rest in his arms.

Electricity...

I'm going to take a week off from evening lighting. For the next week I am going to turn off every conceivable light possible after dark and live in the "dim."

I'm not sure how it worked everywhere, but before electricity was harnessed into light bulbs houses must have been much darker after the sun went down. As a child we had two faux-antique oil lamps that we lit on occasion...pretty and a bit spooky, but not too intense with regards to how much light they put out. People 150 years ago, who lived half of their lives in the "dim" essence of oil lamps and candles, could not imagine my world of incandescence and florescence.

Before I even begin my experiment let me put out my hypothesis: I will get more high quality sleep if I light my house with less input from electricity.

I think this afternoon on my way home from work I'm going to invest in a couple of oil lamps!

Music...

Last Saturday on my way home from the hardware store there was an acoustic guitar version Sweet Child O' Mine playing on the radio. The guy playing had a really good looping pedal and before he was 30 seconds into it I was on the phone calling the radio station to find out who was playing...it is an amazing, beautiful, intense arrangement. By the time I had reached home (only 10 minutes away) I had downloaded the song from iTunes. I have to share it with you! Here's the link to the Youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWPQLDKOnh4

This reminded me of something I have known for years: music matters. At one time called "the music of the spheres," humans have always connected with organized sound. Hearing a good song, or being sidetracked by a piece that completely captures you, provides a sweet release and deeper meaning to the mundane, terrible, or wonderful moments of my life. Because of the song, and the story it has created for me, I will always remember last weeks routine Saturday trip to Martin's Hardware.

Abide in...

"Abide in" seems to me that one is dwelling comfortably and identifying with a certain place. I "Abide in" Charlottesville...Virginia...the U.S....My home with my family...

We all "Abide" somewhere. Some of us like where we "Abide" while others find the fit less comfortable. Sometimes we can change where we abide and other times we can only endure the madness! Sometimes our "abiding" changes without us wanting it to; sometime we are hoping to "abide elsewhere."

One place that I know I find comfort is what the Word says is "abiding in Christ." Doing so is said to make joy complete, create a truly fruitful life, and honor God. All of this is place-irrelevant; circumstances do not dictate joy, fruit or honor of God. When Jesus speaks of abiding in him he still has dusty knees from washing feet and is about to be betrayed and severely abused and killed. The disciples with whom he is speaking will live their remaining years broke, treated badly, enduring injustice at every turn, and die painfully...and yet Jesus says that in spite of that if they "Abide in me they will bear much fruit."

We can't "not abide." No other abode will bring peace, joy, and love in spite of circumstances.

Rigor...

I'm usually most well rested after I've worked really rigorously and then rested. I'm not as well rested when I am kind of "perpetually resting" and not working hard between rests. I rest well when I've been vigorously working all day. I do not rest well when I am lying around all day.

In about 2 months Sarah and I will be leaving on a jet plane for a short term mission trip teaching pastors in Uganda and Kenya about marriage. It will be rigorous. We have a lot to do between now and then. We are going to be really wiped out throughout the process. And it will be invigorating and exciting in many ways. I already know that I will sleep well on the jet plane when we are heading back west! It will be deep sleep.

I do think that God calls us to a rigorous life. And in our lives of vigor we find rest. I think that is why, when my resolution for the year is to "rest more," I am called to spend my vacation traveling to 2nd/3rd/4th world areas teaching deeply from the Bible about the difficult subject of Christian marriage...

Happy birthday...

Today (April 9th) is my "Spiritual Birthday." Seventeen years ago this morning, at about 6:50, I was born spiritually in Christ. This was, up until that point in my life, the most important thing that had ever happened to me. And the "birth" was dramatic in many ways: prayers felt listened to, the Bible came to life, cussing stopped, joy sprung up...even now the memories are acute and vivid.

None the less, I find myself wishing I were farther down the road of being righteous. Or, to keep the metaphore going, more grown up spiritually. In my first 17 years of "real" life I learned to walk and talk; I learned to drive and was doing high levels of math in high school. I'm not sure what the equivalent maturity level is in my spiritual life, but it seems as though I should feel more grown up in the Lord!

There are many dads of four who hold down stressful jobs and balance the needs of life like a plate on a dowell like I do. Many of these men are not Christians and many of them do a better job of holding things together than I do. Compared to many guys my age my life is mixed up and messed up and sloppy!

Where would I be now without Christ?

Well, my life may be more organized and I may have become more wealthy. On the other hand, I may have become a drunk or a heroin addict...It's hard to say and I will never know because 17 years ago Jesus took my heart, soul, mind and strength and all that I may have been, the "good" and the "bad," will never happen. I am very thankful for that!

No Pressure...

I feel absolutely NO PRESSURE to update my blog on a daily, weekly...monthly basis. I guess this is pretty obvious since my last addition was over 4 weeks ago! Praise God for letting things go.

Tonight I sat in the basement and read two chapters from C.S. Lewis to my son Abe and daughter Annabel. It was a cuddle-fest! Little Annabel kept rubbing my scruffy, spring-break half-beard with the back of her soft little hand while Abe sat under my arm and stared at the words as they flew by.

Blessings.

Rigor and conflict...

This week has been one filled with rigorous work and difficult conflict. And the peace of soul I've found has been refreshing!

God calls us to rigorous work. The work I am a part of is complex mentally, emotionally charged and physical. The work I am a part of transcends my employment; I am part of work with my children, family and church that this week put me on the edge of eternity without a net in various ways.

The work I am a part of also entails conflict. I've heard it said that conflict in life ends when we are either dumb, disenchanted, disengaged or dead...none of these apply to me in any way, shape or form! So, while I am not a war-monger in the least, I do engage others with my full mind, body and soul about those things I am involved with. Sometimes we agree easily, but usually a conflict of some sort is necessary in important work. The conflicts are usually resolved without a "winner and loser;" the conflicts are usually resolved with both parties deepening in their understanding and character.

This week I have found that my conscience has been cleansed through the hard labor and conflict of which I've been a part. While I am physically exhausted, I am spiritually excited!

Living with others...

The people we are around will make us crazy or put us at ease, and oftentimes they do both at the same time (this is usually the case with our children and spouses!).

On Thursday evening I was on the phone with my friend Steve until 2 AM...not the exact recipe for a good night's sleep. But when the alarm went off 4 hours later I was not as weary as I was expecting and had a sense of peace about me. The restfulness of soul I felt in the morning is testimony to the power of connecting with good friends and living real lives amongst others.

On the same note, there were many nights in my younger years where staying up until 2 AM resulted in the exact opposite happening...connecting without becoming inebriated is better than getting "s--- faced" at a party and waking up sick. Wisdom comes with age, experience and pain!

Being together...I love these lyrics

"There's something in the way she moves, or looks my way, or calls my name, that seems to leave this troubled world behind...It isn't what she's got to say 'bout how she thinks and where she's been. To me, the words are nice the way they sound. Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning and I find myself careening into places where I should not let me go." (James Taylor)

Human interaction can create rest or unrest...its rarely neutral. We're "communers" and I think intended to "walk" with others. We're not designed to live life alone and not rely on anybody else, carrying our burdens by ourselves. And in the deepest relationships its just the sound of somebody's voice that brings feelings of rest...of shalom.

Tonight I sat and listened to Sarah talk, almost uninterrupted, for an hour. Truly the sound of her voice comforts me.

Verbs...

"Verbs are action words..." This is the mantra of every teacher who has ever tried to teach me how words fit together. "Action" speaks of "doing." But there are important verbs that are not full of action:

Pause
Quiet
Stop
Comfort
Rest
Dwell

I think I can use all of them in a sentence:

"Today I am going to pause and be quiet, stop my mind from racing and comfort my soul with thoughts of rest as I dwell in the skin God has given me."

I hope you will, too.

The Olympics are bad for my rest...

The Olympics are bad for my rest! Last night, around 9:30, Sarah and I decided to turn on the men's figure skating...it didn't end until midnight! By that point, after hours of hearing stories about male figure skaters competing with one another, I was wired and tense. It was at least 1:30 before I fell asleep!

I know, we need a DVR or TIVO. But that requires cable ($30 or so a month) and a subscription ($15 a month). And if $45 a month was all it took to help me rest more it would definitely be worth it. But I have a feeling that having access to these things would actually encroach on my rest more often and more pervasively than what is already happening. If we had cable and a TIVO I'd be able to watch Zack and Cody, the History Channel, MTV etc...and if my childhood is any example I would spend many hours on my tail end not really sleeping, but not really being awake either.

The real choice is not whether to spend $45 on cable and a TIVO. The choice is between entertainment and rest...which is more important? Ugh. I love them both. But I have to choose...tonight I choose rest and sleep!

A Clear Conscience...

My old friend Rick use to say (and maybe still does) that an honest man's pillow is his clear conscience. "Guilt" is a really big sleep inhibitor and prevents one from feeling any rest...ever. There are many things that can cause feelings of guilt:

1. If you have done something dishonest and morally wrong, you can feel guilt.
2. If you have failed at something that has resulted in hardship for others, you can feel guilt.
3. If you have not done something that has resulted in hardship for others, you can feel guilt.

With guilty feelings come feelings of regret and shame. When I have felt guilty I often wish that I could go back in time and change the things I did...hit the remind button...turn the clocks back!!! I can "fix" this. But usually I can't fix anything I have messed up and the only option I have is an apology, an attempt to make things better, and a stronger desire to "try harder next time." This usually does not take away my shame completely and I continue to loose sleep and rest. When I see the person I have wronged, or see the results of my sin, there is still a tinge of pain.

What I have found is that Jesus has an answer for my guilt that "sticks." My guilty feelings are based on my mistakes and "sins" that are real...real pain I have caused, real hardship I have created. Jesus takes these mistakes and sins and takes the burden I feel on the cross. He takes the hurt I have caused and heals it. He forgives the actual sin and restores my conscience. When I come to him and experience His forgiveness I can rest again.

Sleep Therapy...

Below is a link for an article about one Christian's perspective on sleeping. I found it an interesting read and felt it worthy of sharing.

Hope you enjoy!

http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2006/janfeb/2.07.html

Well, Sarah said...

Well, Sarah said that I seem to have become very good at resting over these past few snow days and that it was about time for me to get off my rear-end and get something done around the house! And, as I've learned after 11 1/2 years of marriage, when Sarah says this to me it doesn't do any good to respond with a "But honey..."

"But honey, I've really had some great times playing with the kids!"

"But honey, I've updated all of the photos on my hard drive and uploaded some really neat ones to Facebook!"

"But honey, you have no idea how stressful my job can be!"

"But honey, I did go into work for 1 day last week!"

"But honey, I've really worked hard at keeping my New Year's Resolution to rest more!"

No, "But honey's" are not the right response...the right response is to get my rear in gear and do some of the things she finds important. Yesterday that included moving a ton of snow out of the driveway.

So here are some lessons I've learned about resting from Sarah:

1. Rest is harder to find when Sarah and I are not at peace.
2. Labor is important; constant restfulness seems lazy.
3. Don't talk about my New Year's Resolution so much!

Today I'm putting it in high gear early!

Snow day reflections...

We're in the middle of the 3rd snow storm in one week and I'm finding that Cabin Fever does wonders for helping me fulfill my resolution to rest more. The first day of snow falling can be summarized as follows:

1. Build snow man/woman. Take walk in storm with Abe.
2. "Dance Party" with Oak and Annabel.
3. Short nap followed by a frozen pizza and giving Oak and Abigail a bath.
4. Read 4 chapters of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" to the kids before putting them to bed late...HEDONISM!
5. Cuddle. Cuddle. Cuddle. Nine hours of sleep with the wifey!

Now it is the second day of constant snow and it looks as though things will even out at about 18 inches. Sarah's taking a nap, Abe's playing with friends and the younger three are getting along great (I'm sure we'll have a good mess to clean up soon!). There is a bottle of Spanish wine waiting to be opened and many more chapters of C.S. Lewis...this should be a great day!

I know I'll be pushing snow around with a shovel for the greater part of the day tomorrow, and that the next week will be full of unique challenges, but right now I'm enjoying being warm and cozy.

Facebook connections and lessons...

I received this message from a close, lifelong friend in my Facebook Inbox recently:

Hey Doug,
Thanks for the bday wish! I am interested in your new year's resolution to rest more and I enjoyed reading your blog. At choir rehearsal last night (I sing with a community chorus in Bmore), the director reminded us that even a rest in music has a purpose. He said that a rest is "energized silence". This spoke to me and made me think of you and your goal to live a more restful life this year. I pray for you energized silence, for it is in rest that we are renewed.
Thanks for drawing my attention back to what matters.
Love you bro!
Kara

The phrase that jumps out at me is "energized silence." I told her in my reply that it reminds me of the feeling I get when I listen to the music from Jaws...the part right between the "TAAAA...Dump" that lasts so long. That is silence, but energized. Its not as though in between the phrase the shark is taking a break or getting distracted...he's not like, "TAAAA...Dump...'man am I sleepy'...TAAAA-Dump...'If I can only get through eating this one more helpless swimmer I'll be able to grab a quick 6 hours of sleep'...TAAAA---DUMP." The silence has a definite purpose: to scare the S--- out of everyone in the theater! Last I checked it really works.

Thank you, Kara, for the life lesson!

Doug

How to fall asleep...

1. Lie down in a comfortable position that requires no muscle strength for support.
2. Breathe deeply 10 times very slowly.
3. Lie motionless for about 1 minute.
4. Repeat step 2 and 3 as necessary.

A Long Day Ahead...

Today I am going to be away from home from about 6 AM until at least 9 PM...as an assistant principal a 15 hour day is not unheard of at all, but it does take some getting used to! Today, however, is not just long but has elements in place I would call "intense."

First is a meeting with some fellow administrators who are also believers...this will be a good, fatty meal at Waffle House, so no problems there. Next there is a school-wide assembly during which 200 7 and 8 year olds are going to be singing to 400 3-11 year olds. I run sound, which means anything can happen...especially feedback. After that I will be meeting with some children regarding some name calling, which is a typical part of the AP job. The difference in this case is that the children both have severe challenges in their home and the hurt they feel runs very deep and comes out in some very challenging ways. Reading between the lines...this will be intense! After school the teachers are sharing their achievement data with the each other, the administration and Central Office staff (maybe even the Superintendent). This is a mid-year check to see how children are progressing academically. Hopefully this will be good news! Finally, the evening Chorus concert. Set-up, run sound, tear down...hopefully now feedback!

By 9 PM I should be headed home.

God definitely calls us to a rigorous life! But in the midst of it all I hope to find rest and peace. So far so good...7 1/2 hours of sleep last night!

The big picture...

I read a couple of days ago that once you find out the main business you are here for most of life's problems fall into place of their own accord. The guy who wrote that, J.I. Packer, has an entire chapter in his book dedicated to convincing us (me) that the "main business" we are all here for is to "know God." That is, in fact, the title of the book he wrote on the subject...Knowing God. The premise is in complete agreement with both Psalm 27 and Philippians 3.

But my days are filled with raising kids, pursuing peace and love with Sarah, fulfilling obligations at work and squeezing time in for all the activities these obligations entail. The "main business" for me seems different, and more complicated, than just "knowing God." None the less, I do find myself more settled, settled in my soul, when I rest in this premise...that the kids, the family, the job, the activites etc., etc., etc., are all an out-flowing of my relationship with the Lord.

The rest I seek is deeper than mere sleep. The rest I am hoping to learn about and experience this year has to do with a peace in my soul that all I am pursuing has an eternal purpose.

My eyes are open...

Today my eyes are open without any undue effort; the default mode for my eyes is "open!" I notice it because the feeling is so different from what I am used to. Typically, and unconsciously, my eyes are default "closed." The muscles in my face are working to keep them open because I have, invariably, not slept much the night...week...month...year before. Today I feel the difference!

On Saturday I vowed not to leave my property; I made a commitment to staying home the entire day! At 1 PM I put down the mop in the kitchen, left the bucket in place, and retreated to my bedroom for a 1 hour nap. At 8:30 PM I went to bed, slept for over 8 hours, and woke up refreshed. On Sunday I had down-time in the afternoon and, last night, had another good nights sleep. Today I feel GREAT!

Ever since my junior year of high school I have been a "let sleep come later" person. I worked part-time jobs late into the evening, woke up early for school, and did extra-curricular activities most afternoons and weekends. Ever since then I have been a strong believer in the "I only need six hours of sleep and two cups of coffee to survive" philosophy. Today I have lost some of my faith.

Tonight I'll be in bed by 9:00!

New Year's Resolution...Rest More!

Married life with 4 kids is the absolute definition of bedlam...of course I love being in the middle of the fray! But I do find myself quite tired. My New Year's Resolution is to rest more...I was told that the most counter cultural thing a Christian in the U.S. can do is to rest more. I'm three weeks into it so far and find it to be a very profound walk.

Lessons learned so far (learned but not necessarily applied)
1. It is impossible to rest outside of God's will.
2. It is impossible to rest when I'm harboring anger towards somebody.
3. God will fight my battles.
4. God calls us to a rigorous life, but in him it is not a paradox to rest.
5. If I'm not close to him I will not know when he wants me to rest and when he wants me to be rigorous.
6. I don't know the first thing about rest.
7. I don't know the first thing about really trusting God with my life.
8. God rested from his work. I am not better than God when I don't rest.
9. Lying flat on my back for an hour is a great way to start the sleep process.