Essence...

Yesterday I found out some very troubling news...I found out that at lest 3 people, and maybe as many as 6, read what I write here! This is troubling because it leads to all kinds of temptations and questions:

• What will they think if I don't write something each day? Do I need to keep a regular writing schedule?
  
• What is it they would want to read? Should I adjust my topics or style to meet their reading desires?
  
• What if they really like what they read? Should I get an agent and publish this as a book that becomes a movie? What will it be like to be rich and famous?

All of this vanity strikes at the very root of the essence of why I ever thought I might need to get more rest. I found that my life was too full, that I needed to make some fundamental changes to simplify my lifestyle, and that I needed to limit the pressure of external sources. Worrying too much about an audience goes against this goal.

The point of keeping this "blog" is just to provide a short on-line journal to track a New Year's Resolution to get more rest. The potential of other people reading what I write here goes along with why I put these thoughts online rather than in a private notebook. Just like preparing for a trumpet recital in college, the excitement and fear an audience brings has the ability to hone my skills and polarize my thinking. In the same way, an audience can become destructive...it can explode my head with ego or send me crashing off of the front of the stage in shame (nothing kills an ego like embarrassing oneself in public).

Even worse than pride or public humiliation, the red carpets and flashbulbs can rob one of the essence of who they are and what makes them "tick." In short, the answers to the questions I labeled above should not shift too much with 6 readers or 6000...the essence of these thoughts, and my desire to share them, is close to the same now as it was with nobody reading it. If having 10 readers (oh, just imagine!) changes my essence then those readers will lose interest because they are reading this because of the original inspiration they found in the essence of the blog itself. So pride has the ability to destroy what caused it to be sparked in the first place!

Miles Davis use to offend people who paid to hear him because he did not worry about his audience at all, only his art. Wynton Marsailis said once that if you play for applause that's all you'll get. Leonard Berstein is known to have said that if "you are only a musician you are only half a musician." These great and successful performing artist knew their essence and put it out there in front of other people.