Oh no, the year is over!

Getting more rest was my New Year's Resolution for 2010 and today the year is over! Now I'm afraid that I'll suddenly become a neurotic work-a-holic with dark bags under my eyes...I pressed on to keep my resolution for an entire year and now its back to the old habits!

Just kidding.

Learning to live restfully is more of a "New Decade Resolution" than a New Year's Resolution. Maybe in 10 years I'll be ready to move forward, but not quite yet. Its like learning a foreign language...the first 12 years are the hardest!

One take away I've seen is that in order to rest more I have to make sacrifices. At the beginning of this year I was trying to cram too much in; I had to learn to say "no" to many things. This has been one of the most difficult things to deal with!

Second, I see that without God it would be impossible for me to truly find rest. There are so many things outside of my control that at any moment could come crashing in! Knowing God loves me and, even in the worst of these things, will never leave me creates in me a deep peace. The Psalms call it resting under the shadow of his wing...like a baby bird with its mother.

Finally, I've become convinced that getting adequate rest does not come naturally to me. I fight it like a little child before bedtime! I want to work...I hate being bored...there is so much to do that is good, fun, and necessary! I've seen that for my work to be effective, and for any good, fun or necessary things to take place with joyfulness of spirit, I must be well rested.

I'm not sure what 2011's resolutions will be...I have some ideas about ethics, budgeting, giving and music, but nothing has formed in my mind as worthy and/or doable for the year yet. I'll keep you posted!

Stories & Boredom...

One of my favorite songs growing up was "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. It starts like this:

"On warm summer's evening on a train bound for nowhere I met up with the Gambler...we were both too tired to speak. So we took turns at staring out the window at the darkness until the boredom overtook us and we began to speak."

I love that line...the entire thing grabs me and makes me want to hear the rest of the story! This leads me to my next thoughts on "rest."

First, stories are a great way to "escape" for a while. I just finished the last Harry Potter book...it was a 6 month, 3000 page visit into the world of muggles, horcrux's, flying cars and friendships. The books, while I read them, ruined my sleep patterns for weeks on end; but the story was gripping and I found myself feeling well rested for reading them.

Similarly, what is it we do before bedtime with children all around the world? We read them a story! And, if you think about it, they go to bed and have dreams that are...stories (of a sort). I'm going to embrace stories as a means to rest better.

Second, boredom is something that can completely "overtake" us. Boredom is painful for those not used to it...after basic training I had nightmares about standing in line for hours on end that were so severe I would wake up shaking in the middle of the night! I think that the fear of boredom keeps me from settling down into a lifestyle of rest. To avoid being bored I create unnecessary stress that complicates my life and exasperates my relationships.

Being bored is not a bad thing. I'm certain that Magellan and his crew were bored at some point while circling the globe in a sailboat; Isaac Newton was very likely bored for hours on end while putting together his theory of the Laws of Motion...he was sitting under an apple tree doing what? Resting.

I hope this blog entry has not bored you. I tried to make it interesting by adding a story or two! May you have a boring, story-filled day!

Jacuzzi and a fire...

I have never posted twice in one day, but today is a special occasion. I experienced two awesomely restful things: a Jacuzzi and a fire in the fireplace. No, not at the same time unfortunately.

After my workout at the gym I spent 15 minutes soaking in the hot-tub alone...my mind wandered to blissful places as the muscles in my back, shoulders, and neck were pummeled by jets of steamy water.

The gas-logs were lit today for the first time this winter. Gas logs require so little effort, and the fire is always perfect and warm. Thank God for gas logs!

I'm going to pass-out in front of the fire...its wonderful!

Crash and Burn

What happens when an airplane runs out of fuel in mid-air?

Crash and Burn.

What happens when a hot-air balloon runs out of hot air while floating above a city?

Crash and Burn.

What happens when a 37 year old father of 4 pushes it to the limits right before the holidays?

Crash and Burn.

And that is exactly what happened to me this past Friday on Christmas Eve.

We were in Cincinnati after a whirlwind month of parties, family gatherings, shopping, gift-wrapping, traveling, and sight-seeing. Additionally, work in a school is especially intense just before the holidays-just ask anyone who has ever worked with sugar-filled, Santa craving kids in December! On the way to the mall to get photos of the kids with their cousins I leaned over to Sarah, who was driving, and told her to pull over right away...

The kids got a kick out of watching me claim the corner of the road near the CVS with what used to be the contents of my stomach. But for me I was getting kicked in a slightly different way. I was wiped-out!

Two Christmases ago I crashed and burned on Christmas Day. We were home in Charlottesville and I spent all day in bed with a massive headache and fever.

I remember that the Christmas of 2005 was pretty rough. That was the Christmas during grad school when I was taking a full-load of classes, involved with an urban ministry, working 5 jobs, and trying to help Sarah with the soon to be 3 children (she was 7 months pregnant with Oak).

In my mind I have a Norman Rockwell like picture of what the Christmas/New Year's Holiday should be like, but I have not seen that picture come to life in reality yet. My 21st century picture is less austere...its more intense and energized (which I think is how I like it)! I just need to remember that sleep is important and there is an end to how much intensity my body can handle.

So...my last entry was on ethics and how living according to ones ethics leads to peaceful rest. Well, there is a big "BUT" needed to go along with that. That is, "But everyone fails at living up to their ethics."

Therefore, all of us have been offended/hurt by somebody who has not lived up to their part of the bargain. Everyday at work I hear this excuse: "So and So teased me, so I teased them back." or "So and So hit me, so I hit them back...I have to 'defend' myself." The way I see it, there are no humans who live up to their ethical code 100% of the time.

This becomes complicated, because how offended we are by somebody treating us badly is directly proportional to how "good" of a person we think they are. For instance, when a "shitbag" treats us poorly, we are not offended because that person always treats everyone poorly; when a "righteous" person messes up we are deeply offended because we expect them to do a better job of treating us right. We are surprised when "good" people behave badly. A Pastor sinning is more offensive than a ne0-nazi sinning.

Now, what do we do when the scoundrel, the person who "should know better than that," also goes by the same name as I do and looks just like me; what do I do when I am the dick?

This comes down to two ethical stands that don't usually make the top 10:

• Humility
• Forgiveness

All of us who have messed up feel bad about it...there is the humility.
All of us who have messed up need forgiven...there is the forgiveness.

Holding a grudge creates what eventually becomes the opposite of rest. If I have a grudge I cannot rest well, and the deeper the grudge the less rest I get!

So we need to find humility, recognizing that the person who offended us is in need of the same forgiveness that we need from somebody else we have offended. Its like the opposite of paying it forward (the idea that we return good deeds to somebody other than the person that did the deed for us)...we forgive the person who has offended us because we need forgiven by the person we have offended.

The ethics of rest...

A close friend once reminded me that the best pillow is a clear conscience. If our lives are tree houses, we should build them in the center of the of the strongest tree of ethics we can find. No matter what ones occupation is, which country they come from, or how dysfunctional their family is, living in line with ones ethics allows for better rest. No matter how big ones mansion or yaught is, a life of unethical living will result in poor rest, not to mention poor relationships with those around you.

Here is a list of what are commonly considered the core ethics of life (in no particular order):

• Honesty
• Courage
• Gratitude
• Kindness
• Meekness
• Prudence
• Diligence
• Industry
• Cleverness
• Utility
• Balance

Furthermore, almost every profession has a list of ethical standards by which it governs itself against the influx of poor character. Doctors, Real Estate Agents...even Lawyers have ethical standards they try to live by. While living according to a set code of ethics presents challenges, these challenges are no greater than the challenges created by living a hedonistic life void of any moral restraints.

Deep breath...

"Take a deep breath and let it out."

"Do it again, only deeper."

"This time really fill your lungs and release the air slowly and easily."

This is the conversation, very one-sided, I had with my trumpet teacher during my junior year at JMU in the midst of the only anxiety attack I've ever had. Even though I don't remember the details of the circumstances that caused me to feel the need to hide under the couch at that particular moment, I do remember vividly the manner in which he walked me out of it.

I knocked on his door, lost in anxious thoughts. I explained to him how I felt.

Mr. Kluesner told me to get out my breathing tube while he turned on his metronome.

I took some breaths through the tube first, then through my trumpet. I buzzed on my mouthpiece a simple pattern, then added the entire horn. It was a nice, full, easy and rich long tone exercise I had played thousands of times.

The anxious feelings had passed. They were replaced with calm.

Essence...

Yesterday I found out some very troubling news...I found out that at lest 3 people, and maybe as many as 6, read what I write here! This is troubling because it leads to all kinds of temptations and questions:

• What will they think if I don't write something each day? Do I need to keep a regular writing schedule?
  
• What is it they would want to read? Should I adjust my topics or style to meet their reading desires?
  
• What if they really like what they read? Should I get an agent and publish this as a book that becomes a movie? What will it be like to be rich and famous?

All of this vanity strikes at the very root of the essence of why I ever thought I might need to get more rest. I found that my life was too full, that I needed to make some fundamental changes to simplify my lifestyle, and that I needed to limit the pressure of external sources. Worrying too much about an audience goes against this goal.

The point of keeping this "blog" is just to provide a short on-line journal to track a New Year's Resolution to get more rest. The potential of other people reading what I write here goes along with why I put these thoughts online rather than in a private notebook. Just like preparing for a trumpet recital in college, the excitement and fear an audience brings has the ability to hone my skills and polarize my thinking. In the same way, an audience can become destructive...it can explode my head with ego or send me crashing off of the front of the stage in shame (nothing kills an ego like embarrassing oneself in public).

Even worse than pride or public humiliation, the red carpets and flashbulbs can rob one of the essence of who they are and what makes them "tick." In short, the answers to the questions I labeled above should not shift too much with 6 readers or 6000...the essence of these thoughts, and my desire to share them, is close to the same now as it was with nobody reading it. If having 10 readers (oh, just imagine!) changes my essence then those readers will lose interest because they are reading this because of the original inspiration they found in the essence of the blog itself. So pride has the ability to destroy what caused it to be sparked in the first place!

Miles Davis use to offend people who paid to hear him because he did not worry about his audience at all, only his art. Wynton Marsailis said once that if you play for applause that's all you'll get. Leonard Berstein is known to have said that if "you are only a musician you are only half a musician." These great and successful performing artist knew their essence and put it out there in front of other people.